Information for Couples - About Attachment
I use attachment theory as a big part of the work in therapy. Attachment, for our purposes, answers the questions we ask of our partner:
- Will you be there for me when I need you?
- Am I lovable?
- Do I matter to you?
These are the same questions we “asked” as babies of our caregiver(s) – we still “ask” in the way we try to connect with each other, in the way we feel from our partner’s response, in the level of (or lack of) connection we feel with our partner.
Connection felt easy at the beginning of the relationship. You may find yourself asking:
- What happened?
- Can we get back to feeling close again?
If there have been breaches of trust, you may be asking:
- Can we rebuild?
- Is it possible?
- Do we even want to try to rebuild?
- Will it be worth the effort?
These are all questions to open up for exploration in the therapy process.
Begin by reflecting on what your attachment style is. Keep in mind that an attachment style is not saying there’s something wrong with you. It’s the way you learned to adapt in your own family system when you were growing up. The thing is – that way of connecting may not be working in your relationship now. That’s okay. That’s normal, and it is absolutely possible to find your way to connection with your partner – and within yourself. Sometimes it may feel like you have even become out of touch within yourself, let alone with your partner.
We have the ability to be “securely attached” – we, as humans, are wired for connection – we just need to find our way to that wiring – that’s what therapy can provide for you – finding your way to connection within yourself AND with your partner.
Below are some categories that you may want to read over and see if any resonate with you. This might be the start of you becoming aware of your attachment style.
- Will you be there for me when I need you?
- Am I lovable?
- Do I matter to you?
These are the same questions we “asked” as babies of our caregiver(s) – we still “ask” in the way we try to connect with each other, in the way we feel from our partner’s response, in the level of (or lack of) connection we feel with our partner.
Connection felt easy at the beginning of the relationship. You may find yourself asking:
- What happened?
- Can we get back to feeling close again?
If there have been breaches of trust, you may be asking:
- Can we rebuild?
- Is it possible?
- Do we even want to try to rebuild?
- Will it be worth the effort?
These are all questions to open up for exploration in the therapy process.
Begin by reflecting on what your attachment style is. Keep in mind that an attachment style is not saying there’s something wrong with you. It’s the way you learned to adapt in your own family system when you were growing up. The thing is – that way of connecting may not be working in your relationship now. That’s okay. That’s normal, and it is absolutely possible to find your way to connection with your partner – and within yourself. Sometimes it may feel like you have even become out of touch within yourself, let alone with your partner.
We have the ability to be “securely attached” – we, as humans, are wired for connection – we just need to find our way to that wiring – that’s what therapy can provide for you – finding your way to connection within yourself AND with your partner.
Below are some categories that you may want to read over and see if any resonate with you. This might be the start of you becoming aware of your attachment style.
Avoidant Style
|
Anxious Style
|
Disorganized
|
These are guidelines – seldom is a person completely one way of being. We may see aspects of a few of these, but we probably have a main one we go to often. Also, these categories are a starting point for understanding more about ourselves and our relationships. The point here is not necessarily finding what category we are, but recognizing that these patterns may be leading us down relational difficulties and the goal would be to try to work our way more toward secure attachment behaviors. Those are: Secure Style
|