Information for Couples - About Attachment

I use attachment theory as a big part of the work in therapy.  Attachment, for our purposes, answers the questions we ask of our partner:
-  Will you be there for me when I need you?
-  Am I lovable?
-  Do I matter to you?  
These are the same questions we “asked” as babies of our caregiver(s) – we still “ask” in the way we try to connect with each other, in the way we feel from our partner’s response, in the level of (or lack of) connection we feel with our partner. 
 
Connection felt easy at the beginning of the relationship.  You may find yourself asking:
-  What happened?
-  Can we get back to feeling close again? 
If there have been breaches of trust, you may be asking:
-  Can we rebuild?
-  Is it possible? 
-  Do we even want to try to rebuild?
-  Will it be worth the effort?
 
These are all questions to open up for exploration in the therapy process.
 
Begin by reflecting on what your attachment style is.  Keep in mind that an attachment style is not saying there’s something wrong with you.  It’s the way you learned to adapt in your own family system when you were growing up.  The thing is – that way of connecting may not be working in your relationship now.  That’s okay.  That’s normal, and it is absolutely possible to find your way to connection with your partner – and within yourself.  Sometimes it may feel like you have even become out of touch within yourself, let alone with your partner. 
 
We have the ability to be “securely attached” – we, as humans, are wired for connection – we just need to find our way to that wiring – that’s what therapy can provide for you – finding your way to connection within yourself AND with your partner.
 
Below are some categories that you may want to read over and see if any resonate with you.  This might be the start of you becoming aware of your attachment style.

Avoidant Style

  • you tend to be very task oriented
  • you tend to be perfectly fine on your own; you love your partner but don’t feel the need to “check in” very often – in fact, that might feel kind of smothering
  • you take care of your own needs very well, in fact, to the point where you rarely – if ever – ask for help.  The thought of asking for help may even bring some anxiety.
  • Can easily immerse yourself into some other activity that doesn’t include your partner, like work – LOTS of work.
  • You don’t really have a sense of what your relationship needs are, except for the need to have space – a lot of space, often.  Not that you’re doing anything “wrong” when you get the space, but the sense that you may not really be able to get the space you need.
  • Find yourself saying, “I don’t care” or “it doesn’t matter” a lot.  That you are go with the flow on many things, don’t really have an opinion on topics, except a few.
  • Tend to be very “self contained”
  • You may hear people saying that it’s hard to connect with you or hard to read your emotions, hard to tell what you’re feeling, that you seem to be kind of cold or reserved or disconnected, or that it seems like you just don’t care.

Anxious Style

  • you tend to like lots of “check ins” with your partner – not about anything in particular, but lots of check ins.
  • Not feeling like you’re ever really sure about how your partner feels about you 
  • You like to be connected to your partner often
  • You are very tuned into partner’s emotional cues and what they may be feeling
  • Sometimes you find yourself absorbing how your partner is feeling and you internalize that
  • You may have been told that you are needy, especially if your partner tends to be more avoidant

Disorganized

  • being told or recognizing that, during times of stress/arguments, you may completely numb out or go over the top angry or other extreme response
  • have been really disconnected from your emotion, sometimes feeling frozen / paralyzed in not knowing what to do when you face relational difficulties
  • this style often develops where you experienced a very neglectful or abusive upbringing – sometimes when the person you were supposed to go to for help/support was also the person hurting/neglecting/abusing you.
 

These are guidelines – seldom is a person completely one way of being.  We may see aspects of a few of these, but we probably have a main one we go to often.  Also, these categories are a starting point for understanding more about ourselves and our relationships.  The point here is not necessarily finding what category we are, but recognizing that these patterns may be leading us down relational difficulties and the goal would be to try to work our way more toward secure attachment behaviors.  Those are:

Secure Style
  • able to express what you’re feeling in a way that is real, not blaming, not pitying, not manipulative
  • trusting that your needs will be heard
  • being able to be flexible in your own responses to situations
  • able to tolerate feeling worried / upset about something and then reaching out to your partner and ASK when you need comforting / support AND being ABLE TO RECEIVE the love / support and FEEL COMFORTED by it
  • believing that, even when times are difficult in your relationship (and the healthiest of relationships will have hard times – no one gets a pass on that), being able to rely on the faith that you and your partner will be able to work on it, that both of you care enough about yourselves AND each other AND the relationship that you are both ALL IN on trying to make it better

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